My mom told me recently that she heard on the radio that, on average, women feel eleven years younger than their actual age. Considering that at my last birthday I turned 31 and I feel like my life is still getting started, I can totally relate.
In the beginning of September, Kayaking Boyfriend and I will have been dating for a year. He’s completely loving, supportive, caring, he listens to me rant about my job and I can honestly say we’ve never fought. If we ever have a disagreement, we talk about it and work out a way to fix it where we’re both happy. I can honestly say I love him more as time goes on, and I used to want to vomit when people said that. Sometimes I look at us and think, god, we are SO MATURE!
I’m planning to move back to Portland in October after six years in Scotland. I’m very excited about it but scared too. It’s been a long time since I’ve lived in the United States and it means leaving all my friends here in Glasgow. But I also have felt for a long time that I have two separate lives and it’s time for me just to have one life. I want to be closer to my family and back to my home. Of course, that means that KB and I have had to start making some hard decisions about where our relationship is going. Which, inevitably, means talking about marriage.
Now, the part of me that thinks, ‘wow, we’re so mature!’ is thinking, I love KB, he’s my best friend, I want to share a life with him. Marriage totally makes sense. Then there’s the part of me that still feels like a twenty year old. That me is thinking, um…what now? Weddings? Isn’t that for grownups? I AM NOT A GROWNUP!
It’s a really weird disconnect because I try to picture KB and I actually being married and I’m totally fine. But the actual wedding? Me in a white dress? People taking pictures of me? But that’s for actual grown up people! I’m not ready for this!
Presents, however? THAT I am ready for.
See, I’ve never been the type of girl who dreamed about her wedding. I can honestly say I have never even planned one single thing that I would want at my wedding. At lot of things I DON’T want, mostly music: the dj playing Celebration? VETO. Getting married is something that I hoped would eventually happen, but was never something I counted on in my life. And now that it’s actually happening, I am at a total loss at how to plan for it. I try to picture my wedding and all I can think is, I’m too young for this! Weddings happen to other people, the kind who have their lives all figured out!
Except I’m 31, not 20. I wish my brain could just catch up to reality, it would definitely help with my wedding anxiety. I’ll just try to keep thinking about the presents. That should help.