I realise that I’ve been slightly missing in action from the blog recently (teeny tiny Sydney boats notwithstanding). It’s not because nothing has been happening around here because it has, though in ways that I’m finding completely difficult to write about. I know I do sort of write in a stream-of-consciousness way (and yes, I write exactly how I talk), but I also like to have some sort of a point to my posts. Like, ‘this is what I learned today!’ or something. But lately, I feel like while stuff has been happening, I’m having a really hard time figuring out what it all means, or if there’s a lesson to be learned at all. I’m feeling strangely disconnected and unsettled, like there’s something I should be doing but I’ve forgotten what it is. My life has turned into a continual cosmic search for car keys that have been put in the freezer.
So I’m not really a blabbing blogger, but I’ll give it a try just to let you all know what I’ve been up to this past month or so, besides looking for metaphorical car keys.
One nice thing about living in Scotland is we have quite a few public holidays. Just this past weekend I had Friday and Monday off for Easter, which was very enjoyable. Of course I’ve somehow caught a horrible cold, which is just bad enough to make me feel like crap, but not bad enough to get me off work. I find myself praying that I’ll get worse just so I can stay home. I’m convinced I have a fever, but when I took my temperature this morning my temp was actually about four degrees lower than it should be, so…I have hypothermia? I don’t really know.
My friend got married on Friday, which was a really really odd experience. I’m happy for him, in a way, since I know that this what he wants, or at least what he thinks he wants. I still think it’s a mistake, even though I know I’m judging his relationship on my own interpretation of what love and marriage should be. I KNOW that people can be happy with all sorts of different relationships and even though she’s not the ‘love of his life’ doesn’t mean they can’t be happy. I still felt like a horrible cynical bitch at their wedding, but whatever, it’s their life. Does it really matter what I think? No. I could say a lot more, but I’ve already devoted enough space to him on this blog and I think that’s enough. Moving on…
I have now been single for almost nine months. The situation is getting DIRE. Not for myself personally, because I’ve gone much longer than that in my life without a date, but for my own judgement. I’ve started checking out every single man in my vicinity, thinking, well…he’s kinda cute… I went to a race last month and ended up going on a date with a 22 year old just because he had a bunch of tattoos and was adorably enthusiastic about everything. I can really only blame myself when he turned out to be a total flake (there were quite a few warning signs). He phoned me to invite me out for a drink on Wednesday with some of his friends, to which I said I might be able to go and he agreed to get back to me with the plan. He finally texted me on Friday with an ‘oops, sorry! How are you?’ text after giving me no information whatsoever for three days. I’ve forgotten to text him back for a week. I think he’s gotten the message. And I now remember why I didn’t enjoy dating 22 year olds even when I WAS a 22 year old.
And yet, still, STILL, a part of me wants to text him back. Not to be nice, but to tell him he’s messed up. Because he NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG. What would this accomplish? Um…nothing, except to reopen communication with someone I don’t actually want to talk to anymore. I don’t want to go out with him again, even if he apologizes profusely, and yet, I feel the need to tell him exactly how he messed up. Which is idiotic, on my part. As a good friend said to me, ‘the only reason you’re even thinking about him at all is because you don’t have any other options.’ Well, yes. And, um, OUCH. Though, I haven’t actually texted him, so, score one point to me! Albeit, in a very stupid game that nobody actually wants to play. Yay?
My parents are getting their new puppy on Saturday. I’m really excited for them because my mom has been a little bit lost since our dog died just before Christmas. I’m mostly sad because I won’t get to see the puppy in person until I go home for a visit in July. I know the puppy will still be a puppy, but she’ll be less cuddly-ball-of-fur and more raging-furball-of-puppy-terror. At least she’ll hopefully be house trained by then. My memory of our first dog involved a LOT of running after a puppy in the dark, in the rain, who just wanted to play when I just wanted her to poop already. However, my mom is so excited and she’s taken a whole week off work to make sure the puppy settles in okay. She really is the best puppy mommy.
The big 30th birthday extravaganza is also arriving soon (next month, I’m panicking already). I’ve decided that I’ll be dragging all my friends over to Belfast to force them to celebrate with me. Oh just kidding, they WANT to celebrate with me! I have no idea what we’ll do there, though I drew the line at staying at the Europa hotel, famous as the most bombed hotel in Europe! Maybe we can go check out the bullet holes. It was super fun in Dublin. Otherwise we’ll be hanging out, drinking cocktails and trying to understand everyone with their funny accents. Gotta love Ireland.
So that’s my life in a nutshell! Any lessons or morals anyone would like to share? I’m stumped, to be honest. Or maybe the lesson is that there ARE no lessons in life sometimes.