Posted by: Andrea | December 21, 2008

To hell with tiny pants

A few days ago, during a break in the snowfall, I went out to do some Christmas shopping.  After years of buying clothes for me and my sister that we would always inevitably return, my mom now has us go out and pick out clothes and then she’ll buy them and wrap them for Christmas.  I found myself in a dressing room, in the first store I tried, staring at a myself in a mirror wearing a pair of TINY pants.  Pants that I could barely even button.  Pants that six months ago would have fit me just fine.  I had to face up to the stark, painful reality that I no longer fit into my normal size and that I HAD actually put on weight and it wasn’t just my imagination.  I don’t normally weigh myself and just eat healthily and work out, but a recent injury and then a very recent snowfall has kept me from doing much other than eat Christmas cookies.  It was a very sad moment.

It would have been very VERY easy to have a complete and total meltdown right there in the dressing room.  I felt the panic rising up and that old familiar feeling of dread, frustration and utter disappointment.  I seriously could have been sixteen again and my entire self worth was dependant on my pants size.  Thankfully, a tiny little glimmer of sanity finally broke through.  I actually stood there and repeated to myself a few times, ‘it’s ok if you have gained weight.  You are not your pants size.  It’s just weight.  IT’S OK.’

It took me about ten minutes, but I talked myself down from the ledge and came out of the dressing room actually feeling ok.  It’s been a long road to get to the point where gaining weight wouldn’t throw me into a depression.  I think it came from that feeling of helplessness when I was in high school.  Who actually is happy with how they look in high school?  I know for me I was very unhappy and had no idea what to do about it.  I was convinced that I’d feel unhappy and ugly forever.  It wasn’t until I was 25 that I actually did something about it.  I did end up losing weight, but that wasn’t the important thing for me.  I regained confidence in myself.  I started to believe that I was a valuable person and that had nothing to do with what I looked like.

It’s a work in progress, just like everything is that’s important.  I have days where I look at my thighs and I just think, ‘ugh, you are so UGLY!’  It’s like a reflex.  Look at thighs, feel ugly.  Most of the time now though, as soon as that little voice starts, I think, no, I’m not going to think about myself like that.  I’m NOT ugly.  And I’m not hurting anybody but myself by thinking that way.  Life is MUCH too short to even spend a single moment feeling bad about myself for something as arbitrary as the size of my thighs.

So what did I do in that dressing room?  I went out and got a bigger size.  I flinched a little bit (kind of like when you rip off a bandaid), but I did it and I didn’t look back.  Then I put on a pair of pants that actually FIT and I thought, you know what?  I actually look pretty good in these.  Yes my thighs are slightly bigger and my stomach not quite as flat as it was a month ago, but that’s ok too.  All these body parts are a part of ME.  And I like me.  I like me far too much to spend time torturing myself in a dressing room trying on a bunch of tiny pants.

(thanks to Shapely Prose for the title of this post.  I don’t think they’ve started printing ‘To Hell With Tiny Pants’ tshirts yet, but they should!)

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Responses

  1. I so know how you feel. My weight has fluctuated my entire life and I hate that I’ve allowed my pant size to define me. Over the years I’ve eaten better, worked out with a trainer, and learned to like who I am. To hell with the people who don’t… sucks to be them for missing out on the coolness that is me. Of course I need to do more sit ups and squats before swimsuit season starts. I know… I have problems.

  2. I don’t understand how most tiny pants work. I have only one pair of jeans that are skinny enough to tuck into boots, and some days they fit fine and some days they feel like they’re trying to gnaw off my girl parts.

    To hell with them! And yay for new pants!

  3. I seriously think all those women who are struggling into tiny pants that don’t fit should just freaking buy a bigger size! They look so much better and if the number on the label bothers you so much, just cut it out. Because nothing is more unflattering than pants that are pasted on. Mine new ones are SO cute. And they don’t gnaw off my lady bits. 🙂

    Pammy, I know how you feel. Even as I’m doing my daily ‘feel good’ repetitions to myself (you are awesome, you are still a great person even if you have gained ten pounds, your pants size doesn’t define you, it’s just weight) I’m still thinking to myself, ‘no but seriously, we are on the diet RIGHT after we touch down in Glasgow. NO EXCUSES.’ I know that I’m still me inside and I think I’m pretty damn awesome, but I still want to be happy with the outside too. It’s an endless battle. One I think I’ll be waging my whole life.


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