Good news everyone! My future husband broke up with his girlfriend!
Yeah, that probably requires some explanation, huh?
See, when I was twelve years old, I was seated next to a really cool girl named Rebecca in my Language Arts class. Yes, this was the age of ‘Language Arts’. What does that even mean? We had English, we had Spanish, what is a ‘language art’? Weird. Anyway, Rebecca and I were seated next to each other and became fast friends. Rebecca and I were also mutual friends with another girl, Mary. Now, Mary had a HUGE crush on Rebecca’s twin brother, Jake. To be fair, pretty much everyone had a crush on Jake. Mary really pursued that friendship with Rebecca as a way to get access to Jake and it worked. Rebecca convinced Jake to ask Mary out, which resulted in a two week relationship during which I’m not at all convinced they ever even had a conversation. Ah, young love.
After Jake came to his senses and dumped Mary, I rejoiced. You see, I had a big crush on Jake too! Yes, yes, I’m sure that surprises exactly NO ONE. That crush was the most enduring of my young life and I still remember how much I liked him and how much I tried to convince myself that I didn’t. Seriously you guys, he was SO CUTE. Plus I got to see him all the time! One time, I got snowed in at Rebecca’s house and I couldn’t go home for three days! I got to spend three days with my crush throwing snowballs at each other! Looking back I’m pretty sure he had some sort of schoolboy crush on me too, but it never really went anywhere. I was too shy to do anything and he never did anything either. Eventually my crush did fizzle out (if by ‘fizzle out’ you mean ‘lessened in strength from a burning bonfire to a match’). I went to high school and then college. Jake ended up at three different high schools (only one year at mine) and then spent about five years rock climbing and not much else. I pined from afar and knew instinctively that the only relationship he was able to sustain at that point was with his rock climbing equipment.
For years we stayed friends through Rebecca, who was and still is one of my best friends. Jake trained as a pilot and was hired by a major airline. One of the perks of the job was free flights, which allowed him and Rebecca to come and visit me when I moved to Scotland. I discovered after spending a week with him that I still had that little match flame burning. It was excessively annoying. But he is adorable, so what could I do?
See, the thing about Jake is that I’ve always sort of considered him my ‘future’ guy. He’s adorable, we get along really well, I suspect he may be interested in me too. Rebecca thinks I should marry him. Hell, I think I should marry him! Plus, I LOVE his mom and his mom loves me. It’s a match all around! The problem? We’ve never actually managed to live in the same city together. When I was living at home, he was living in New York City. Even with free flights, that’s a VERY long distance relationship. I kept thinking, all we need is just to live in the same city! That’s all! Come on God, do me a favor here! Please, somehow, let those stars align.
Then, in June, THE STARS ALIGNED. Jake was moving back home! Hooray! Not only that, I was planning on moving home in a year too! It was PERFECT. Cue the wedding bells, our moment had come. Oh wait, what was that? Oh, God has a sense of humor you say?
Damn right he does. Jake was moving home WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. Yes. That’s right. My future husband was moving home with his girlfriend! Now all joking aside (and honestly, I had only ever considered a relationship with Jake in passing), it actually upset me a lot more than I thought it would. Apparently they were talking marriage. His mom seemed to like her (from the one time they talked on skype), which was a big shift from his last girlfriend, whom she hated. Rebecca even liked her. Suddenly I had no back up guy. I had no future guy. I felt like my whole plan had been shattered. But I also genuinely was sad that I’d never had even the chance to see if we might have been good together. It didn’t help either that the last time I was home Jake and I went rock climbing together (with girlfriend in tow, though she didn’t climb) and we had a fantastic time. I mean the guy is a rock climber! And he’s really good. He kicked my ass all over the rockface and that is seriously hot. I felt like yelling at the powers that be, ‘oh come on! He’s a climber! It’s meant to be, can’t you see that?!’
Well apparently, at the time, not so much. The girlfriend seemed nice, if slightly princessy. I lost a LOT of respect for her when she refused even to attempt to climb and then had to lie on the backseat the whole way home because she’d spent ‘too much time in the sun.’ Yeah honey, me too. I was also climbing up the the most difficult walls I’d ever attempted and got the worst sunburn of my life. But hey, whatever, you go take a nap. (Sorry, was that bitchy?)
But all was not lost! It seemed there was trouble in paradise! See, Jake and the girlfriend had never actually lived in the same city together. So not only had they moved in together but they were spending all their day to day time together for the first time since they started dating. And apparently, girlfriend was a total pain! Mom and Rebecca actually hated her! Jake and girlfriend were fighting all the time!
Yes, I got a certain satisfaction from that. And yes, I’m a tiny bit embarrassed about it.
This week, I got an email from Rebecca. Jake and the girlfriend have broken up! (cue the ‘hallelujah chorus’) And not only that, I’ll be seeing him again in just a few weeks. We’ll probably even go rock climbing during which I’ll get to drool as he puts my climbing skills to shame. My plan is ALLLLL falling into place. See, I’m moving home in just under a year. That gives him a year to get over the girlfriend and ready himself to fall in love with ME! Maybe the stars just needed all this extra time to get their act together. But it’s ok guys, I’m a forgiving person. But this is your last chance, got it?