Posted by: Andrea | August 8, 2008

My best story

I was reading on another blog somewhere about ideas for posts when you’re fresh out of ideas.  Which I sort of am.  This website was saying that everyone has that one story that they pull out to tell when they want to be particularly entertaining.  That one really funny or embarrassing or shocking story that is your BEST STORY.  What’s my best story you ask?  Well!  It’s both funny and possibly embarrassing, but not TOO shocking.  And mostly it sounds embarrassing but I wasn’t that embarrassed because, well, I just don’t get embarrassed that easily, especially among strangers that I’m never going to see again.  Life’s too short!

About four years ago, right after I moved to Glasgow, I travelled down to see a friend in London.  It was just for a weekend to catch up because I hadn’t seen her in about a year and a half while I was living back home.  We did the whole catch up thing, talked about what we’d been doing for the past few years, how our relationships were going (she had just started dating her future husband, I was dating the first of many men who were ultimately wrong for me).  And naturally, as these conversations go, we started discussing vibrators.

I honestly can’t remember how it came up, we were probably discussing our boyfriends and that led all the way down the road to vibrators.  I believe we giggled.  Probably quite a bit.  Both of us had never bought one, were too embarrassed to buy one alone.  Both of us had also discovered a lovely place in the UK called Ann Summers, a normal mall store that had lingerie in the front, sex toys in the back.  All very pink and aimed at women.  After a few minutes I believe the words ‘I’ll by one if you buy one’ were uttered and a deal was struck.

All was going well, generic vibrator perused and purchased (I passed on the ‘Big Ben’ version) until I realised one fatal flaw in my plan: I’d only flown down for the weekend and I hadn’t checked a bag.  Which would mean I’d be flying BACK with a glittery pink penis shaped problem stuffed in the bottom of my bag.  No, technically it wasn’t illegal, but…well…it’s not something I want pulled out my bag for inspection in a room full of security guards, either.  I left the thing wrapped up in the bottom of my bag, still in the box, and prayed that would be enough.

Well, as I’m sure you ALLLLL can guess, things did not go exactly according to plan.  There I am at the airport, watching my backpack head through the x-ray machine while I step through the x-ray myself.  And it beeps.  Of COURSE it beeps.  So I step forward while the guy wands me, glancing back over my shoulder to watch the progress of my own personal explosive device.  I turn around, raise my arms, he finally gives me the all clear.  I turn back to go pick up my bag and there is the sweetest looking little English man that I have ever seen on the other side of the conveyor belt.  Holding my bag.  ‘So sorry, but I believe you may have a pair of scissors in here’ he says, carrying my bag down to the table to begin the inspection.

Oh lord, here we go.  ‘I honestly don’t have any scissors, I checked myself before I left.’  I say, while thinking to myself IT’S THE VIBRATOR!!!

‘Well let’s just have a little look.’  He says, carefully zipping open my backpack and taking out a few items of clothes off the top.  He pulls out my makeup bag and looks through it.  ‘Hmm…nothing here….’

I could feel my face getting hot, convinced this must be a joke on his part.  He just x-rayed my bag.  Doesn’t he know what’s in there?  I tried to keep my cool, but I just could see where this was going.  Vibrator!  Vibrator!  Vibrator! kept pounding through my head.

‘Do you have another makeup bag perhaps?’  He asks, looking up at me, eyes sweetly hopeful.

‘No, honestly, I swear, I don’t have any scissors.’

IT’S THE VIBRATOR!  IT’S AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BAG!  It was all could do to stop myself from blurting this out to stop this silly charade and get me on my way.  But it didn’t help that the guy was so sweetly English and had probably never even thought the word ‘vibrator’ much less heard it spoken aloud.

‘How odd.’  He said, visibly perplexed.  At that exact moment, another airline employee walked by.  ‘Sharon,’ he said, stopping her.  ‘Are you sure you saw a pair of scissors in this bag?’

The woman glanced at me, then at the bag.  Then, she smirked.  ‘Oh yes,’ she said, glancing back at me, her lips actually quivering with the effort of holding back a smile.  ‘Definitely a pair of scissors in there.’

Oh my GOD lady!  I thought to myself, understanding finally dawning.  Oh yes, use the lady with the vibrator for a practical joke on a colleague!

‘Well let me just check this one last time.  Won’t be but a minute.’  The man said, carrying my bag back over to the x-ray machine.

I breathed a huge sigh trying to will my face back to its normal color, even though I knew it was hopeless.  I blush at absolutely everything and this was definitely one of those times.  I watched the man as he watched the x-ray display, willing this to be over so I could leave.

It only took a few moments.  The man picked up my bag and carried it back over.  ‘It’s fine.’  He said, avoiding eye contact.

‘Thank you!’  I said gaily, picking up my bag and walking off.

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Responses

  1. Awwww…

    You were merely the pawn in her evil game. What a BITCH.

    Two words for you honey, “mail order”…not just for books and brides anymore. But I bet you knew that.

    OH, and as an aside, I actually laughed out loud in the middle of a very boring conference call when you referenced the “Big Ben” model. I have no idea if that was true or just a creative euphemism…but DAMN was that funny.

    Also, “glittery pink penis shaped problem” is my new favorite phrase of the day.

  2. OMG! Why did you never tell me that one before?! That’s hilarious!!!

    So, how’s the vibrator workin’ for ya? 😉

  3. No, the Big Ben model was totally real! I picked it up and my jaw just dropped. It was seriously a foot long! I tried to imagine what sort of demographic that was designed for and decided I don’t actually want to know.

    Essaytch, I’d totally recommend a vibrator to all women everywhere. Whenever I hear that someone doesn’t have one I say, GET ONE. Seriously. A good friend of mine highly recommends the Rabbit. It’s not just for Sex and the City! I’ve been meaning to get one but just haven’t yet. And yes, as DC recommends, mail order is definitely a girl’s best friend.


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