Posted by: Andrea | June 12, 2008

The End.

Breakups are never easy.  Never ever EVER.  I said to a friend once that I hate breaking up with someone and I wish so much that I was better at it.  ‘That’s not exactly something you want to be GOOD at though,’ she said.  Very very true. 

The Boyfriend and I have broken up, which while I knew was coming, is still extremely, heart-breakingly upsetting.  The reasons for it are many (some very important, some not so much) but it all comes down to the fact that when I think of the man I want to marry, he’s just not it.  Which doesn’t make him a bad person or a mean person or anything negative at all, just not the right person for me.  We’ve been together for almost a year now and I care about him and love him so I’ve been ignoring what I’ve known in my heart.  There are certain things that are insurmountable and unfortunately there are disagreements between us that just can’t be changed.  He won’t change.  I won’t change.  Which means that ultimately, it’s just not going to work for us.  This is such a horrible situation to be in, because I can’t point to any one particular thing.  How do you explain that to someone without making it sound like it’s about him?  Because it’s not HIM, it’s US.

I had no idea what to say to him but I did my best.  I tried to explain how I was feeling and the concerns I had.  Even though he agreed with me I could see that he wasn’t expecting it.  Which just made me feel like a total and complete shit for doing that to him.  He left last night and I cried and cried, not because it was the wrong thing because it wasn’t, but for the pure unfairness of the world that it should come to this.  That two good people who care about each other would have to end things for no concrete reason, just that it’s not ‘right.’  I know all the logical things, the things we say to ourselves to try to make it a tiny bit better.  That it would have been worse if I let it go on any longer.  That it’s better to end it now, before it gets mean and petty and nasty.  That you can’t change who you are and what you want and that even though it hurts now, it’s for the best.  But all I know is that I lost my friend.  That he has never done a single bad thing to me and has always treated me with respect and care and sweetness and love.  And I hurt him, this person that I love.  And it’s just not fair.  Over and above everything else, it’s just so very very unfair.

I know it could be so much worse.  I’m so utterly thankful that we ended it now, before we started resenting each other.  It could have been a fight, he could have been mean, I could have been hurtful with my honestly.  It wasn’t any of that, just a quiet, honest breaking apart of a relationship that had lasted a year.  Maybe I feel the pain more for that.  If he had been mean, maybe I could hate him or feel justified in the break.  If he hadn’t always been so good to me, maybe I wouldn’t feel so completely guilty for not being able to love him like he deserves. 

I know I’m getting upset about things that are just part of relationships, that are part of the search for that one right person, but right now, I don’t care.  I’m feeling upset and guilty and like I’m a horrible awful person for hurting someone who trusted me not to ever hurt him.  He’s not the type to show his feelings very much, but that one tear that fell down his face was enough to break my heart.

And when he stopped on his way out the door and asked me, ‘are you sure it’s not something that I did?’ it shattered.  

 

 

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Responses

  1. My gut response is to say vaguely reassuring things that you already know…but that seems patronizing and insensitive at best.

    So I’m just going to say “I’m sorry” and “my thoughts are with you” and leave it at that.

  2. *hugs*

    Virtual hugs will be REAL hugs soon! 🙂

  3. Breakups are never easy, but if the relationship wasn’t right…it was the right thing to do. Besides, if you stayed with him you might convince yourself that it’s right, and then waste years with him, and then ended because it’s not working…You did the right thing for both of you!! One day both you and him will be thankful that you did…don’t worry, your prince charming is our there somewhere, and when you two find each other…you’ll be so glad you ended this relationship.

  4. It WAS the right thing and I just have to keep telling myself that. Every day it gets a little bit easier, so at least I’m thankful for that.

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