Posted by: Andrea | May 26, 2008

Thoughts on a birthday

I wrote this early saturday morning but have only had internet access once I returned to Glasgow today.  I’ll be posting more later, but here are some thoughts from the day after my birthday.  29’s still going ok so far…

 

It’s now 7:30am and I’ve been 29 for just over 31 hours.  It’s ok.  Not a bad age.  A lot like 28.  I’m currently on the train to Birmingham (England, not Alabama) for my friend’s daughter’s christening on Sunday.  When I planned this trip it made a lot more sense to get the train at 6am so I’d be able to spend time with Glasgow friends yesterday for my birthday and still see my friend in Birmingham for as long as possible.  It makes a lot less sense today with a blazing hangover after almost missing my taxi and by extension, my train.  I ran out of the house this morning after literally being up for five minutes.  Thankfully I’d packed ahead of time.  Unfortunately for my neighbours I’d also managed to sleep through 40 minutes of my alarm blaring.  Just for future reference, not such a good idea to mix rum, whiskey and white wine in one night.  Though those mojitos were VERY good.

The thing is, I’m not at all one of those women who are freaking out about turning 30.  I’m actually looking forward to it.  My twenties were such a disaster (ok, to be fair, my EARLY twenties were a disaster.  My late twenties have been pretty awesome.  Much less angst).  I figure my thirties can only get better.  30 doesn’t really scare me.  I say, bring it on, 30!  Unfortunately you may not have known that from seeing me last night.

A little background.  I went through quite a long period of time being quite depressed, at least I think so in hindsight.  I tend to view that time as ‘being a teenager’ but I digress.  It sucked.  I was sad ALL THE TIME.  I felt horrible and down and hated everything about myself and my life.  I started taking long naps when I got home from school.  My mom got me tested for anemia, thinking there must be a medical reason that I was choosing to sleep my life away.  I thought I just couldn’t face my life anymore and would rather just sleep.  I thought there was no other way to feel that that way. Thankfully, I managed to come out of that without medical intervention or therapy, but I consider myself very very lucky that it didn’t get worse.  I know it could have.  I’ve been much better for years now and generally consider that time a part of my past, not my present.

Well.  Last night that assumption knocked me straight on my ass.  I felt LOW.  Really low.  Sad and down and blue and every other word you can think of to describe feeling really really shitty for no conceivable reason.  And I felt bad about it, because it was my fucking BIRTHDAY.  I was supposed to be happy and smiley and thankful for the friends that came out to celebrate with me.  They came out and ate sushi, even though most of them hate it, just because that’s what I wanted to eat.  And I was thankful.  But I still felt shitty.  And no, it wasn’t because I was getting older or because my family is far away or any other reason.  I just felt sad.  For no reason whatsoever.  And there is nothing harder than trying to explain why you feel so crappy when there’s no explanation. 

For those of you who don’t know me, I’ll let you in on a little secret.  I hate crying.  I don’t mind when other people do it, but I HATE it when I cry.  I try to do it as little as possible because I don’t find it cathartic or freeing or helpful as a method to just get the EMOTIONS OUT.  I see it as a weakness, which I know is totally lame but that’s how I feel.  But last night I was standing outside the pub, with the tears flowing out of my eyes, feeling exposed and emotional and I just couldn’t figure out where these tears were coming from.  I kept wiping them away as quickly as I could, like if I could just keep them from actually hitting my cheeks, then I could deny they were even there at all.

This is the thing.  Sometimes that dark place just comes up and grabs you and drags you down and there is just nothing you can do about it. 

I really can’t say much more than that.  I know I babble on excessively most of the time.  I enjoy a good run on sentence.  I write pretty much how I talk, which is pretty much how I think, which is quickly and a lot.  But sometimes words just fail.  Sometimes things just get difficult and dark and there’s no explanation other than that life just feels too hard sometimes. 

But today’s actually turned out to be a good day.  I had friends last night to talk me out of my funk.  I have friends I’m travelling to see today.  Plus it’s spring, so this entire train trip I’ve been travelling by cavorting lambs and calves, which are just the most adorable things ever.  I have good tunes on my ipod and I’m shamelessly mouthing along to the words, even though the girl sitting across from me is looking at me like I’m insane.  Maybe I am, just a little bit.  But that’s ok too.  Because today, unlike yesterday, is a pretty good day.

Just as an aside, we pulled into the station at Crewe and I saw three year old girl wearing two inch pink high heels.  What is up with that?  Does anyone else but me think that’s a little bit strange?

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Responses

  1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
    Welcome to the wonderful world of 29! Yippee! (BTW, it is VERY uneventful…so here’s to 30. *cheers*)

    On that note, you are totally allowed to be completely down in the doldrums for no reason whatsoever. You’re also allowed to be completely bitchy, totally boring, a complete party pooper, stick in the mud, and all around miserable person for no reason at all every once in a while. Makes you human.

    Besides, if you were blissfully happy all the time, me and the rest of the ‘normal’ people in the world would be forced to take you out…and I don’t mean for a drink. 🙂

  2. Happy LATE Birthday!

    I agree with Essaytch, if you were always chipper the muggles would have to terminate you to keep their terminally dull world in balance.

    My only warning is that truning thirty-two did the EXACT same thing to me…so apparently being in your thirties is no defence.

    Here’s to iPods, mouthing the words, Cadbury chocolate bars (because what else are English train stations good for?), Orangina while watching lambs play with bunnies and then the incredible guilt you’ll have next time you eat leg-of-lamb. No wait, that was MY last train ride from Edinburgh to Wales. Sorry…

    Enjoy yourself and know that other people like you, funk or not, from halfway around the world.

  3. “Cadbury chocolate bars (because what else are English train stations good for?)”

    Ok, I shot soda out of my nose when I read this! The day I found out I could get a Cadbury Creme Egg from a VENDING MACHINE all year round (not just at Easter), I knew I had found my true home. I think somewhere, in a long-forgotten photo album, there is a campy picture of me buying said Egg. Aaaah, the memories!

  4. Hmmm, out of a vending machine you say? Seems like I need to relo overseas. Love the blog! Would kill for some good pics though. I’ve always wanted to visit Scotland.

  5. Cadbury Caramello Bar (and NOT the crappy Caramello bar we have in the states) washed down with Orangina in early June. Paddington Station. BEST BREAKFAST EVER.

    A close second were the fresh chocolate croissants (as in melted chocolate in the middle of a croissant “roll”, drizzled with chocolate and dusted with powdered sugar) and fresh squeezed orange juice at Kensington station. Also in early June.

    Why is it that the best things about a trip are the foods that made me loosen my belt?

  6. The really REALLY sad thing? I just realized when I had the two breakfasts in question…both of you were in middle school. Now THAT has to make your birthday just a little bit brighter…

    …no matter what happens in life, I will always be an older lame-o with older and lamer stories. 😛

  7. Duuuude, you’re OLD. 🙂

  8. I know. BELIEVE ME…I know.

  9. Seriously, for very sweet chocolate, this is the place to come! And there is something extremely awesome about being able to buy cadbury creme eggs ALL THE TIME. They have these huge bins of them in every single convenience store. And I think it’s just something about traveling that makes train breakfasts always seem the best. On my way south on saturday I had a cheese and onion pasty at 10am and it was the most delicious thing ever. Of course, that might have been the hangover talking…

    Welcome Hope! And you should definitely come visit Scotland, I can’t recommend it enough. I think most people visit London and then never come further north, but it’s such a mistake. It is SO beautiful here. It has to be seen to be believed!


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