Posted by: Andrea | April 11, 2008

Stresses of the Subconscious

I have a recurring dream where I’m about to get married.  Well, I should say a recurring nightmare because these dreams totally are.  Sometimes I’m getting married to a stranger, sometimes it’s someone I know in my day to day life – a platonic friend, a past boyfriend, an ill-advised crush.  I hate these dreams with a passion because I know I’m marrying the wrong person, but I’m standing there, usually in the white dress, sometimes at the church.  These dreams are filled with dread, with the feeling that I’m making a horrible mistake, that I’m stuck on a careening train and I have no idea how to stop this horrible thing I’ve started.  In my mind, during the dream, I know that I can just say I don’t want to get married, but I’m incapable of doing it, even though I know I have to.  The last one I had, not only was I already married to the wrong person, but I was in the hospital after I’d just given birth to our baby.  Yikes.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that I’m a tiny bit scared of marriage.  Ok yes, considering I’m having recurring nightmares about it, you’d say maybe a bit more than a tiny bit.  The most horrible part is that I know I stress about marriage.  I worry that I won’t find someone I want to marry.  I worry because, as much as I honestly do believe that I don’t have to be married to be happy, it is something that I want in my life.  I worry that one day I won’t be this clear sighted, that I’ll get older and get scared and do what I think is the worst thing someone can do: settle.  But see, I know that I worry about these things!  This is not a subconscious thing, this is a very conscious thing and I don’t need my stupid subconscious reminding me about these stresses.  Or that I’m also secretly a tiny bit scared of babies.  Especially the idea of having my own.

I mean come on!  Who isn’t scared of the idea of having a baby?  Hasn’t anybody else read Dooce?  That’s a scary picture my friends.  I know I’m whining, I just hate being reminded of worries that I’m already very aware I have.  It’s like when I was a teenager and I got a zit.  I’d spend hours in my bathroom staring at it and putting creams and coverup on it, just to go downstairs and have my mom say, “honey, you have a zit on your chin.”  Um.  Thanks.  I already knew that. 

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Responses

  1. Um, welcome to my world of fearing children. Can’t. Handle. Them.

    Although, I do want one of my own someday, and I’m sure I’ll make a great mom. But in the meantime? Blech!

  2. omg, once i dreamt that my parents threw a wedding for me, but there was no groom. like, i give up, please just throw the party so i can have the dress and the presents.

  3. OMG that is hilarious! How horrible! I never have dreams like that. Thank GOD, right?

  4. Well thankfully the dreams aren’t every night, just every so often. But it’s like, suddenly waking up and it’s the day of your wedding, and you’re about to marry that friend of yours that you do like as a person who’s had a crush on you forever, but you’re just totally not attracted to him. But you’re there and everything has been booked and there are flowers and food and guests and then PANIC. It’s horrible! The child is a new addition though, but hopefully not one that will continue. I don’t need MORE stresses, thank you! And yeah, totally afraid of children. I walk near one and they cry. Totally no idea how to talk to them.


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